I've been around the online dating scene long enough to know one universal truth: your first message can make or break a connection. It doesn't matter how perfect your profile is, how many great photos you've posted, or how compatible the algorithm says you are—if your first message falls flat, chances are, the conversation will end before it even begins.
That single line, the opener, is your first impression. And in an era where attention spans are shorter than ever and competition is just a swipe away, understanding the psychology behind first messages—and knowing how to write them—is a must. Here's what I've learned about why first messages still matter, the psychological principles at play, and the tried-and-tested messages that actually work.
Why First Messages Carry So Much Weight
Before diving into tips and examples, it's important to understand why first messages matter so much.
For one, they create a psychological anchor. When we meet someone online, we don't have tone of voice, body language, or real-world context to guide us. So we lean heavily on that first message to form a mental image of the person behind the screen. A generic “Hey” or “Hi there” doesn't offer much. But a thoughtful, funny, or original opener? That can make someone pause and take notice.
Secondly, reciprocity and mirroring play a huge role. If someone puts in effort, we're more likely to respond in kind. A personalized message signals interest and effort, encouraging the other person to respond with the same.
Lastly, there's the concept of emotional arousal—no, not that kind. I'm talking about sparking interest, curiosity, or amusement. If your message makes someone feel something—especially something positive—they're far more likely to respond.
What Psychology Teaches Us About Great Openers
There are a few key psychological principles that I keep in mind when crafting first messages:
- Specificity beats generality.
We're drawn to things that feel personal. “Hi, I loved your photo with the dog—what kind is he?” works better than “Hey, what's up?” - Humor builds instant rapport.
If you can make someone smile or laugh, you immediately increase your likability. It doesn't have to be stand-up comedy—just something playful can do the trick. - People like to talk about themselves.
A question or comment that invites them to share something they're passionate about is a golden ticket to getting a response. - Avoid over-complimenting.
While compliments are great, leading with “You're so hot” is usually a turn-off. It's too common and feels superficial.
Tried-and-True First Message Tips
Over time, I've honed my strategy for first messages. Here are the tips that have consistently worked for me:
1. Reference something specific in their profile
This shows you actually paid attention—and that you're not just copying and pasting the same message to everyone.
Example:
“I noticed you're into astronomy. I just read about a ‘super blue moon' happening soon—have you ever used a telescope to spot one?”
2. Ask a light, open-ended question
This gives them an easy way to reply without overthinking.
Example:
“Coffee or tea—and what's your go-to order?”
3. Be playful or quirky
It helps you stand out from the sea of boring openers.
Example:
“Would you rather time travel to the past or teleport anywhere in the present?”
4. Make a statement + ask a follow-up
This method combines personality and interest.
Example:
“I just finished watching the last season of Stranger Things. I'm both thrilled and emotionally wrecked. Are you into sci-fi shows too?”
5. Use humor carefully
Keep it light and respectful. Avoid sarcasm unless it's clearly playful.
Example:
“Serious question: do pineapples belong on pizza? I'm trying to determine if we're compatible.”
Real First Messages I've Sent (That Got Replies)
Here are a few real examples of messages I've used that sparked fun and meaningful conversations:
- “Your dog is adorable—please tell me he's also a good wingman?”
(This led to a week-long convo about funny pet stories.) - “I have two questions: one, are you as outdoorsy as your pics suggest? And two, can you recommend a hiking trail I can't miss?”
(We ended up going on a hike for our first date.) - “So you're a plant parent. Be honest—how many have you accidentally killed?”
(She laughed and confessed to three. We bonded over our lack of green thumbs.)
Common First Message Mistakes to Avoid
I've made a few rookie mistakes too. These are the ones to steer clear of:
- One-word messages. Just “Hi” or “Hey” is too bland to inspire a response.
- Generic compliments. Telling someone “You're beautiful” is overused and not very engaging.
- Copy-paste lines. They show zero effort—and people can usually tell.
- Coming on too strong. Avoid overtly flirty or suggestive messages as openers.
- Negging or sarcasm. Humor is subjective, and without tone, it's easy to offend someone.
When You Don't Get a Response
Not every great first message will get a reply—and that's okay. It's not always about you. People get busy, distracted, or just aren't feeling it. I've learned to not take it personally and keep moving.
Instead of overthinking, I remind myself that dating is a numbers game. A well-crafted message gives me the best chance of standing out—but it's still just the first step. Rejection is part of the process, and every no brings me closer to a yes.
Final Thoughts: The Power of the First Impression
The first message is your digital handshake. It sets the tone, builds intrigue, and shows who you are—if you do it right. And in a world where hundreds of people are vying for attention on dating apps, those opening words can be the edge you need to spark a connection.
From experience, I can tell you: taking the time to craft a genuine, thoughtful opener isn't just worth it—it's essential. First messages still matter. They always will.
Please note that this article may contain affiliate links, and the opinions shared are based on my personal experiences and perspectives.
